SACRAMENTO, CA — California Governor Gavin Newsom signed an executive order on Thursday granting immediate clemency to all 548 inmates currently residing on the state's death row to make room in prisons for people who use plastic straws.
"This is a move that was long overdue," Newsom told reporters. "For too long, California's correctional facilities have been filled with violent offenders who are consuming valuable space. By commuting the sentences of convicted murderers, we freed up critical prison real estate for the real menace: soccer moms storing plastic McDonald's straws in the glove compartments of their minivans."
State corrections officials confirmed that former death row occupants were quietly released into surrounding neighborhoods with complimentary transit passes and public apology letters.
"The transition makes complete sense," noted Department of Corrections spokesperson Karen Vance. "Conviction rates for double homicide take years to process, whereas possessing plastic straws? That's an easy conviction and life sentence. Throw the book at these negative carbon footprinters."
Newsom said the environmental impact from plastic straws far outweighed the risk of releasing violent offenders back into society. "What's the harm in letting a few serial killers out on the street when you can put the real criminals behind bars where they belong?" he asked.
At publishing time, a well-known murderer was put back behind bars for opening his fridge door for longer than 10 seconds while looking for a snack.
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