SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a shocking statement to police, Paul Pelosi claimed that he was assaulted by a man who threw hammers at him while shouting, "THIS IS MAGA COUNTRY!"
According to sources, Paul Pelosi was simply trying to enjoy a Subway sandwich in his underwear when another man in his underwear broke into his house and attacked him with a hammer.
"All I know is I was attacked by this MAGA Republican who is a registered member of the Green Party. Why would someone do this, especially right before the midterm elections?" said Paul Pelosi. "My only conclusion is that this must be a direct act of far-right political violence, as opposed to another crime committed by the rampant mentally ill."
"This far-right-leaning city of San Francisco just isn't safe anymore," continued Paul. "I'm not sure why there was no security present and nothing was caught on camera, but I have the hammer to prove it."
Local authorities also confirmed that all 52 security cameras on the property had been turned off during the incident and that their server data was purged with bleach while the security team was fast asleep.
At publishing time, Paul Pelosi had been once again injured while using Harry Reid's old exercise bike.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
