PORTLAND, OR — An age-old tradition continued today as a newly hired restaurant hostess received her ceremonial nose ring in front of her colleagues following the end of her initial shift.

Kismet Lang, the new hostess, and aspiring slam poet barista dancer felt deeply honored to complete this ancient rite of passage. "I've dreamed of this moment for so long," Lang said tearfully, though it wasn't known if the tears were joy or a result of having a needle shoved through her nostril. "Ever since last week when I decided to apply for this job, I've wanted to get my nose ring. You're not really a true restaurant hostess until you do."

Lang's coworkers at the Prickly Thistle erupted into thunderous applause as manager Bo Schmeeble did the honors of piercing her nose. "Having this nose ring will clearly identify you as a restaurant hostess from this day forward," Schmeeble said proudly. "As a side note, you should be prepared for strangers walking up to you in public and asking for menus from now on."

Lang expressed great pride in her new adornment. "I really feel like I'm qualified to have people follow me from the front of the restaurant to their tables now," she said with the distracting piece of jewelry jutting out of her nose. "Someday, if I fulfill my dream of being a slam poet barista dancer, I can look forward to my mandatory tattoo sleeves and androgynous hairstyle. I can't wait!"

At publishing time, Schmeeble was already sending Lang on her path toward seriously regretting her life decision by scheduling her for two double shifts over the weekend.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.