LAS VEGAS, NV — Colin Kaepernick briefly got his hopes up today after seeing an incoming call from an unknown number, only to discover it was about his car's extended warranty.
The former NFL quarterback has desperately tried to make a comeback, but thus far the only trade deadline call he has received was to discuss warranty options for his 2025 Nissan Altima.
"Hello? Is this the Philadelphia Eagles?" answered Kaepernick excitedly. "Yes, actually, I've put a lot of thought into the future, I'm still in great shape, and... um, maybe 10,000 miles per year? Not sure what that has to do with it, but I've been keeping fit, still throwing every day... wait, you mean have I thought about the future of my car warranty? Aw, dang it."
Despite the disappointment, Kaepernick reportedly kept the salesman on the line for another 25 minutes, offering to send him several workout videos. "I mean, you can just show them to whoever," said Kaepernick. "I'm willing to compete for a backup spot. I just need a chance, man."
The salesman reportedly made several attempts to end the conversation, but inadvertently renewed Kaepernick's hopes by offering to transfer him to a manager.
"A general manager?" Kaepernick whispered, sitting up straight.
At publishing time, the warranty salesman had asked Kaepernick to please stop calling him.
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