NEW BRAUNFELS, TX — With the arrival of Halloween, local parents are engaged in their annual tradition of buying giant bags of candy to give away to trick-or-treaters on their doorstep while simultaneously sending their own costumed children out to go door-to-door to collect giant bags of candy.
"I love this time of year," said local dad Chet Bandoff, "Autumn leaves, a warm fire, and buying $300 worth of candy to pass out so my kids can return home with $300 worth of candy. Yay!"
Sources say most kids are blissfully unaware of the curious paradox of the Halloween tradition, usually choosing instead to focus on their impending meth-like sugar high later in the night.
At publishing time, many parents had reported feeling dismayed to find out that after passing out candy bars to the neighborhood kids, their own kids arrived home with Pixy Stix and Circus Peanuts.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
