EAST PALESTINE, OH — Amid growing concerns about the risks residents could be facing due to pollution of the air, soil, and water after the catastrophic February 3rd train derailment and subsequent toxic chemical release, officials were quick to assure the public that test results indicate the water in the area is fine to drink, despite these same officials developing alarming physical abnormalities overnight.
"Our tests show the water in East Palestine is safe for drinking," said scientist and lead researcher Dr. Michael Fuller. The media assembled for Dr. Fuller's statement seemed distracted by the fact that he seemed to be breathing through gills in his neck and his eyes had a luminescent yellow glow. "Our team conducted extensive research on the town's water supply," Fuller continued. "We even felt confident enough to drink some of the water ourselves."
People on the scene had noticed a strange pattern of members of the research team showing concerning signs. "It's not just the guy with the gills and the glowing eyes," said bystander Jordan Vaughn. "There's a lady somewhere around here who showed up with a third arm this morning. Another guy is covered in green scales. One of the scientists testing the water grew a tail! C'mon…a tail!"
At publishing time, the officials seemed to be just as relaxed about their new appendages as they are about the safety of the drinking water. "There really is nothing to be worried about," Dr. Fuller said. "The water is totally fine. I used some to water the potted plant in my office yesterday, and I'm sure it started to melt and burst into flames for a totally unrelated reason. Really. It's fine."
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: