UTICA, OH — Locals are rejoicing this morning at the news that a nearby food production facility made it through another night without being burned to the ground like others all around the country.
"Wow, what a beautiful sight — seeing Walt's Soybean Corp. still standing tall and unscathed," said local woman Pam Gohr. "We're not sure how this happened! It's a miracle!"
Sources say residents had expected the worst after the recent torchings of the Amish Corn Co-op, the Piltington Dairy Farm, and Bawk-Bawk Egg Collective due to mysterious unseen forces that are in no way suspicious or coordinated. "The TV told us these are all a coincidence and that we shouldn't worry about them," said Gohr. "Then a commercial for fried crickets came on. I'm sure everything's fine."
Authorities are urging locals who see suspicious activity around other food production facilities to keep walking and not report anything because nothing is happening that anyone should worry about. "There is absolutely nothing to see here," said local FBI Field Office Director and BlackRock consultant Ted Smith. "We urge everyone to just do their jobs as citizens and watch more Netflix."
At publishing time, sources had confirmed Walt's Soybean Corp was on fire.
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