WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden is being lifted in Marine One to a local coroner for his annual physical exam, sources in Washington say.
"The President passed the exam with flying colors. His body is so life-like and well-preserved!" said a representative from the D.C. Medical Examiner's Office. "With a fresh injection of formaldehyde and some makeup, he looks like he's still with us! Just look at him — so peaceful. It looks like he's just sleeping!"
The President's Chief Medical Examiner is set to release his findings from the physical and is expected to clear the President for duty for another term. "President Biden's body is so youthful and vigorous. It is definitely one of the healthiest bodies I've ever seen. Wow. What a full, impactful life he lived. Er, um, I mean, is living. He's alive. The President is definitely still alive."
At publishing time, White House staff had received the President's body as it was delivered back to its resting place in the White House. They confirmed that the President is still very much alive and not dead at all and you are a mean person for asking.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
