SALISBURY, MD — Nationwide news outlets have begun reporting on a historic event: a local nurse has set a new record for time elapsed without mentioning her occupation is nursing, waiting a grand total of 3.0011 minutes.
"Ooo you have really nice veins – I know this because I'm a nurse! Did I already mention that I work in a hospital?" Local nurse Beytina De Abarca spoke to reporters and recounted those now-famous words. The prior record-holder is a Cincinnati nurse named Jessica Gwinn, who had only made it 2.59.07 minutes before crying out "I'M A NURSE!" after a dare to see how long she could go without talking about her job.
De Abarca recounted the moment her friends had realized she was approaching breaking the record. "I was just making small talk at a Superbowl party when I realized a few friends had gotten quiet, pulled out stopwatches, and started watching me wide-eyed. When I told the host that he would get diabetes from eating that many football-shaped cookies and that I know this because I'm a nurse, everyone exploded into cheers and started high-fiving each other. It startled me, but I assumed they were just celebrating the game – but it turns out they had started timing me because I had gone so long without saying I'm a nurse!"
At publishing time, nurses were weighing in on news site comment sections, claiming that nurses don't talk that much about being nurses and that they would know because they're nurses. Several news sites have since opted to turn off comments, as the conversations had devolved into discussions about gastric juices, colonoscopy cleanups, and a variety of oozing, weeping, crusting, and other distressing bodily functions, with the nurses commenting that they don't mind talking about gross things because they are nurses.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
