NEW YORK, NY — Newly discovered letters from former President Donald Trump's past have sent shockwaves through the country, as they revealed he used to fantasize regularly about being even more heterosexual than he already is.
"I have dreams of being even more straight," Trump wrote to his then-wife Marla Maples in a letter dating back to the early 1990s. "What if I liked women - whom I love so very much, no one loves women more than me, believe me - but what if I loved them even more? Oh, Marla. It is so good to pour out my soul to you -- my unbelievably straight, heterosexual soul. Doing so also makes me extremely straight. Many people in my dream were saying so."
The revelations have shed new light on Trump's psyche as a younger man, decades before being elected president. "These letters are astonishing," said historian Professor Blake Rumsey. "We have been under the impression all these years that Donald Trump was the most heterosexual man in the world. Come to find out, he secretly had wild fantasies about being even more straight, which is something none of us would ever have thought possible."
When news of the letters leaked, Trump made a statement to address them. "THESE LETTERS ARE PROOF THAT I AM THE GREATEST LIVING MAN," he said in a post to his Truth Social account. "AS STRAIGHT AS I AM, I FANTASIZED ABOUT BEING EVEN MORE STRAIGHT. THE STRAIGHTEST. EVEN STRAIGHT MEN WERE GAY COMPARED TO ME IN MY DREAMS. SO INCREDIBLY STRAIGHT! BIGLY!"
At publishing time, Trump was reportedly seeking to regain possession of the letters in order to sell limited edition NFTs of them for millions of dollars.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.