GRANDVIEW, MO — As single people excitedly downloaded a new Christian dating app, they were surprised to learn that the app consists only of a single screen that tells users to go to church and find a godly spouse.
"Is this really all there is to it?" asked eligible bachelor Kobe Hardin. "I figured there would be some type of personality test, a lot of questions to answer, and then I'd have to sift through a daily barrage of girls I'm supposedly ‘matched' with. This app just tells me I can find what I'm looking for just by going to church. Seems convenient!"
After varying degrees of disappointment navigating the dating world, young singles expressed relief that finding a mate suitable for marriage could be so easy. "I guess it makes some sense," said single male Jack Roberts. "I don't know why anyone would find it odd that going to a place where a lot of moral, God-fearing people gather regularly would give you your best chance to find a spouse. It's been right here in front of us the whole time!"
Experts agree that, despite humanity continuously making things far more complicated than necessary, the answers to nearly all of life's questions can be found by attending a good, biblical church. "I spent a lot of time on other dating apps," Hardin said. "This is the only one I need now."
At publishing time, the makers of the dating app were already developing another app that would offer users helpful life-improvement tips by just telling them to pray and read the Bible.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
