SPRINGFIELD, IL — In a stunning display of maturing friendships, a group of men who have been hanging out with each other nearly every single night for the last five years have finally taken the step of finding out each others' last names.
"We figured it's probably time," said Steve Branson. "I've known Rob and Eric for years now, but I always told them just to call me ‘Steve' and they did the same with me, so we never really needed last names. I was even in Todd's wedding two years ago without knowing what his last name was."
The men found it remarkably easy to bond and share enjoyable experiences without ever knowing anyone's last name. "He was always just ‘Steve' in my phone contacts," said Todd Harris. "With us actually starting families now and recognizing the potential for us to not be around each other as often, we thought it might be helpful to know full names. I mean, I might meet another Steve someday, and I want to know which is which."
Despite not knowing each others' last names until recently, the group has formed surprisingly strong relationships. "Eric and I were stranded in the Canadian wilderness last year during a guys' camping trip," said Rob Wilson. "Even though we huddled with each other every night for 6 days to keep from freezing to death, he was still just ‘Eric' to me. I would have given the dude my kidney, even before I found out his last name."
At publishing time, all of the men had yet to learn any of each other's birthdays.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
