SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Local man Jeremy Carmichael made a groundbreaking dietary discovery this week after realizing he could shed a few pounds by not stopping at the local Chevron on his way to work every morning to purchase a double-decker oatmeal creme pie.

"I was going to stop, but I was running late and decided I'd better get a move on," Carmichael told reporters. "The entire day I felt better than I had in weeks. I decided to bypass my treat run the next day too, and by the end of the week I'd lost 3 pounds, my skin was clear, and I didn't get winded walking to the bathroom at night. Who would have thought?"

Mr. Carmichael announced plans to write a book detailing his breakthrough diet in the hopes other people might benefit from his cutting-edge nutritional revelations. "I just want to share this secret with the world," said Mr. Carmichael. "It would be selfish to keep this incredible knowledge all to myself. We are all just one less preservative-packed double-decker monstrosity away from a better life."

Mr. Carmichael says he's examining other food items he might cut from his diet but hasn't decided yet if the entire bag of tortilla chips and jar of salsa he eats every night while watching TV could really be impacting his weight. "This is how science happens," said Mr. Carmichael. "I might even give up cooking my biscuits in the leftover bacon fat. Who knows??"

At publishing time, Mr. Carmichael's friends had taken him out to celebrate his health accomplishments with some beers and all-you-can-eat hot wings.

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