WASHINGTON, D.C.—Onlookers watched in awe this morning as the Supreme Court Building tipped off its foundation and slid down a nearby slippery slope at an incredible rate of speed.
"I didn't even know we had any slopes like that in D.C.," said one reporter. "I wish someone would have warned us this slippery slope was here."
"Ahhhh!!!" screamed the justices as the building gained momentum, careening down the hillside and narrowly dodging trees and boulders. Justice Kavanaugh solemnly opened a Keystone Light, thinking it might be his last moment on earth. "Ladies, gentlemen: it's been an honor serving with you." He then shotgunned it.
"Wheeeeee!!!" screamed a clapping, delighted Ruth Bader Ginsburg. "I feel like I'm 70 again! Faster! Faster!"
Is the slippery slope down which the Supreme Court Building is currently sliding some kind of metaphor? "No, actually," said Justice Gorsuch as he gripped tightly onto one of the building's columns, his robes billowing behind him. "These things happen," he said. "Sometimes your building just slides down a hill and it has no deeper hidden meaning whatsoever."
At publishing time, the building had stopped on a dangerous precipice, but the justices agreed in a 6-3 decision not to take any action to stabilize and return the building to the top of the hill, saying it was "fearmongering" to suggest it was about to totter and fall even further.