WASHINGTON, D.C.—Disaster has hit the Supreme Court, as they have reportedly lost their only copy of the Constitution. They aren’t sure who had it last -- Justices Elena Kagan and Clarence Thomas were each arguing that the other did -- but no one can find it now, which means that they have to pretend to know what’s in it for oral arguments and written decisions.
“That’s a great constitutional question,” said Chief Justice John Roberts during an oral argument. “Let me check what the Constitution has to say about that.” He then looked down at a pretend document behind his desk. “Um... yeah... Article... C has a lot to say about that.”
“The Constitution is very clear that liberty is bad,” added Justice Stephen Breyer, looking to the others for support, some of whom shrugged while a couple shook their heads. “No, wait, I mean, it says liberty is good. It’s right there in it, and I just read it earlier.”
So far no one seems to have caught on that the Justices don’t have the Constitution and are just making things up as they go along, though there was some suspicion when a recent oral argument only cited episodes of Ally McBeal.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.