BETHESDA, MD - While performing a routine colonoscopy of President Biden, doctors at the Walter Reed Medical Center made a surprising discovery inside the President's colon: 85,000 Trump ballots.
"At first we were incredulous as to what the monitor showed, assuming it was another massive hairball similar to those we'd been seeing throughout the procedure," said lead colonoscopologist Dr. Cole Collins, "After I zoomed and enhanced it, the picture clearly showed a mass of Trump ballots that appeared to have been lodged in there for over 12 months."
"This brings new meaning to the term 'ballot dump.'"
A hospital representative said there was a delay in counting the trump ballots after the intensive removal process, citing a severe shortage of volunteers, but that they did indeed count 85,000 ballots right before the FBI raided the facility with truckloads of industrial shredders.
Upon hearing the news of the lost ballots, Donald Trump's legal team presented a lawsuit demanding a public colonoscopy of the entire Democratic Party.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
