KENOSHA, WI—As the Rittenhouse trial drew to a close, Antifa rioters were preparing their violent destruction of the city. But their plans were quickly foiled as Rittenhouse emerged from the courthouse a free man, AR-15 in hand.
"The jig is up! Scatter!" cried the terrified commie waifs as they skittered toward shadowy alleyways like cockroaches. "The Rittenhouse has returned! Judgment is upon us! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
Rittenhouse then appeared to descend the courthouse steps in slow motion, surrounded by a flock of doves and a heavenly golden light. At the terrifying sight, hundreds of Antifa fairies and murderous pedophiles shrieked in terror like a den of goblins, crawling into various holes and cracks in the earth.
"Waaaaaaaaa!" Cried the prosecuting attorneys, knowing their career was over forever. "We're ruined! Ruined by the unstoppable power of Kyle Rittenhouse!"
Sources say that once Rittenhouse has completed his task of purging the land of evil and wickedness, he will return home to his mother, who confirmed he is grounded for a week.
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.