KENOSHA, WI - In a verdict that surprised both the prosecution, defense, and judge, the jury for the Rittenhouse trial declared that the Media be found guilty on all counts.
The courtroom fell silent as the jury foreman stood to read the verdict, "We the jury find the media guilty on all counts, including the egregious use of its influence to lie to the American people."
The jury then listed guilty verdicts for the following allegations:
- Painting an innocent American teenager as a white supremacist terrorist.
- Painting violent, communist criminals as peaceful, innocent victims.
- Using its influence to sow painful divisions in the greatest nation on Earth.
- Using minorities as pawns in race-baiting schemes just for ratings.
- Inciting violence on vulnerable neighborhoods and minority-owned businesses.
- Giving an entire show to Brian Stelter.
Upon hearing the verdicts, the judge summarily sentenced the Media to continue its inevitable decline in viewership and trust, until they either strive for objective journalism, or disappear entirely.
Following the verdicts and sentencing, the Media immediately reported to the American people that a murderous white supremacist terrorist was set free, given a KKK outfit and bazooka, and told to kill, kill, kill.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
