U.S. — In a potentially disastrous turn of events, campaign staffers close to Kamala Harris confirmed that the vice president had learned the word "indubitably," just in time for her upcoming interviews with The View, Howard Stern, and Stephen Colbert.
According to sources within the Harris-Walz campaign, the new development had the potential to not only derail Harris's campaign but also to deafen and emotionally scar all viewers and interviewers involved in the candidate's media blitz.
"Things were already bad enough when she heard the word 'holistically,'" groaned Leslie Quayle, a gay staffer for the Harris campaign. "But this new word is going to be rough. She seems to think it means something like 'joyfully.' I have no idea how we're going to be able to steer her away from using this one."
Vice President Harris was surprisingly available for comment.
"There's really great significance to the passage of time, indubitably so," Harris said. "The people of Florida and North Carolina are handling this crisis indubitably, and I believe that we should indubitably defend a woman's right to choose. It's time to bring joy back to this country. Indubitably. And holistically. Am I right? HAHAHAHA!"
At publishing time, the Harris campaign had been further devastated to find out that its candidate had just discovered the word "felicitous."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
