TAMPA, FL — FEMA announced this week they don't have enough resources to block any outside humanitarian aid coming into Florida and surrounding states ahead of Hurricane Milton.
"It's a shame, really," FEMA Administrator Deanne Criswell told the press. "We wish we had more money to construct quality blockades and hire the personnel needed to keep good samaritans from delivering life-saving aid to stranded residents. Unfortunately, the resources just aren't there."
FEMA announced the lack of funds this week after disclosing that the agency spent the majority of its money giving all illegal aliens $500 Target gift cards and free Honda Civics. With thousands of hurricane victims projected to receive aid from unauthorized rescuers, FEMA apologized for the oversight and vowed to make every effort to ensure that they would be the only ones to not deliver aid to hurricane victims.
"I was amazed how quickly I could get aid to these desperate people without FEMA there," helicopter pilot Dan Egan said. "I wasn't arrested or told to turn back. I rescued 15 people and delivered food to almost two hundred stranded residents. It was awesome!"
A FEMA spokesperson said all future federal funding for the agency would be allocated to hunt down and hold noble citizens like Egan accountable.
At publishing time, the Biden administration committed at least $576 additional dollars to help ensure every American resident affected by the devastating hurricanes gets the help they need.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
