'Of Course I'm Listening To You,' Says Husband Who Is Actually Thinking About Medieval Siege Warfare Tactics
Family · Mar 27, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

ANAHEIM, CA — Sources in the Paulson household confirmed Monday that when Jenny Paulson asked her husband Ben, "Are you listening to me?", he had actually been thinking about medieval siege warfare tactics.

According to sources, Jenny was telling yet another story about a trivial thing that happened at work that affected several of her work friends whom Paul did not know. Clearly, nothing being relayed was needed for Paul to navigate any portion of his day correctly or efficiently. He also knew from experience that Jenny was not looking for any solutions or advice, nor was the story supposed to have a real purpose or point.

"So then Alice, Stephanie, and Candace all got written up, but only because Tracy didn't feel like filling out the requisition form! Can you believe that?" asked Jenny. "Ben? Are you even listening to me?"

According to sources, Ben eventually responded, "What? Oh, of course I'm listening to you."

But even as he nodded along in a perfunctory manner and added the occasional "mm-hmm's" at what he guessed were the breaks in Jenny's story, Ben was thinking about medieval siege warfare the entire time.

Man, what can beat a counterweight trebuchet? Nothing. That's what. Nothing is going to stop a 200 lb. rock launched at a 45 degree angle at 45 miles per hour. That's like 13,000 pounds of force — at range! Glorious! Move over, lame onager.


Man, it would have been rad if King Philip VI could've deployed trebuchets at the battle of Crécy. He certainly wouldn't have lost all those mounted knights charging uphill against heavily defended longbowmen across those long stretches of muddy terrain.


Siege warfare was so central to war strategy back in the days of the Crusades and the Hundred Years' War. You couldn't just bypass a castle or fortified city. Defenders would come out and wreak havoc on your rear guard and supply trains. So, if I was going to win a war back then, there was no question of avoiding the strongly fortified castles.


So, I'm setting up a siege and cutting off their supplies instead. Cut off their food and water. Maybe even utilizing the usual psychological tactics of making loud noises or launching rotting, diseased corpses into their walled position. That might be enough to dislodge the defenders in a timely manner. Saladin successfully took back Jerusalem by making the Crusaders surrender like that.


But maybe I don't have weeks of time like Saladin. I'd have to beat the stone walls. Tall siege towers concealing warriors and ladders, maybe? But they're flammable and vulnerable. Using sappers to dig tunnels and undermine the walls? Again, that takes way too much time. You know what knocks down stone walls? Trebuchets. Counterweighted trebuchets are the way you want to go. Maybe trebuchets are always the answer?

"Hmm, yeah maybe," Ben said out loud.

"What?" replied Jenny.

At publishing time, Jenny was still telling the same story and Ben was beginning to think about how rad the Knights Templar were.

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