STARBASE, TX - Talk about a 4D space chess move: Elon Musk has just announced he is returning to the Democratic Party just days after he moved over to the Republican Party. As soon as he made the switch back to the liberal political party, the sexual harassment allegation published by the media was withdrawn, the accuser apologized, and Musk was granted $30 million in reparations for the "false and damaging" claim against the "wonderful humanitarian and champion of the Democratic cause."
Clever. Genius. An impeccable move! Musk said he came up with the idea after watching the accusations come out against Brett Kavanaugh and realized he could simply switch parties back to get rid of the negative press coverage.
"Elon Musk clearly did this terrible thing because he's now a member of the political party opposite me," said one CNN anchor. "Wait a minute -- breaking news! It appears Elon Musk has switched back to the Democratic Party. Coming up after the break, we dive into the old tweets of the accuser and explain why she may be a Nazi."
"Plus, we air a special report on how you should only believe some women, replacing the previously announced segment on how you need to believe all women."
A special investigative report also backed up Musk's strategy, finding that switching to the Republican Party increased one's chances of an old sexual harassment allegation getting suddenly published in every major newspaper on the planet.
At publishing time, Musk had switched to the Libertarian party so that everyone would just ignore him and roll their eyes while he smokes weed and rants about Bitcoin.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
