SACRAMENTO, CA - In a recent move to increase voter access, strengthen election integrity, and improve the voting process, California Governor Gavin Newsom has just signed a bill banning legal citizens from voting in local, state, and federal elections.

Sources close to the Governor's Office say that the bill prohibits all legal citizens from casting a vote, including but not limited to "any person possessing a proper driver's license, passport, social security card, or other valid means of state or federal identification."

"It is my sincere hope that this measure will help defend the electoral processes of the great state of California from legal voters who might otherwise be allowed to vote for Republican candidates or - science forbid! - good policies," Newsom said in a press conference. "I will not allow this great democracy to perish because of partisan conspiracy theorists or legal citizens."

According to California officials, the bill also includes a clause allowing for the prosecution of any card-carrying members of the NRA or registered Republicans who come within 300 feet of a voting booth.

At publishing time, Newsom was seen headed to lunch at French Laundry after signing a bill to ensure that only legal Mexican citizens and homeless people in California would be issued properly pre-marked mail-in ballots.

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