LOS ANGELES, CA — As emergency crews continued to investigate the cause of the fire that damaged the 10 freeway in downtown L.A., a new report indicates the blaze occurred as the result of a plan created by Governor Gavin Newsom to burn all of the state's major freeways so no more California residents can move out of the state.
"It's a diabolical, but brilliant scheme," said sociologist Dr. Blake Rumsey. "If there are no useable roads, nobody can leave California, and the state will stop hemorrhaging its population. Newsom hatched quite a little plan here, it seems. After all, most Americans think of California as a kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland already, so why not lean into that perception by setting all of the freeways on fire?"
A source placed high within Newsom's circle explained the plan was made easier by the massive number of homeless encampments throughout the state's major urban centers. "All those gnarly mattresses, empty wooden pallets, and raggedy, makeshift shelters are really flammable," the source said. "We simply made sure to wait until there was enough junk piled up under the freeway, and then we used a really sketchy meth lab as the ignition. It all went up like kindling."
At publishing time, with the 10 freeway fire a success, Newsom has given the go-ahead to expand the plan statewide. "By the end of the year, we hope to have all entrances and exits out of the big cities completely destroyed," the source said. "Everyone who lives in California now will have no choice but to live in California forever, whether they like it or not. It's a great place!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
