LOS ANGELES, CA — After record-breaking low box office sales with the opening of The Marvels, Disney has announced they will be rereleasing the flop and replacing every single actor with Chris Pratt.
"I mean, it's a cast of mostly all women! Why would it flop?" Disney executive and DEI enthusiast Kathleen Kennedy said to reporters. "Because of bad sales, I've been talked into digitally replacing every one of the cast members with Chris Pratt who I'm told, despite being a whhhhhhhhhhhhh-ite male, seems to bring in the viewers for some…unknown reason."
Disney said it's already working on the revised version, which will see Pratt take on the role of Carol Danvers and her cohorts as they battle an array of plot points and narrative devices.
"Disney had me come in and do some focus groups," Pratt said. "Turns out, I guess I tested better with audiences than…every single one of the actors currently in the film. So after twenty minutes of greenscreen motion capture stuff, they said they had all the material they needed to splice me into the movie. I'll even be playing Nick Fury, which I'm pretty sure some people might notice…"
Disney said the changes are an attempt to lure more viewers to the theater to see the latest in a series of totally stunning and brave but possibly unwatchable Marvel flicks from Phase 5 of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
