Do you think getting a job as a Harvard University professor is unattainable? Think again! Though Harvard is among the most prestigious and highly regarded institutions of higher learning in the world, a teaching position might be within your grasp.
A school insider has provided The Babylon Bee with the following list of qualifications for landing a teaching gig at Harvard:
- You did your doctorate dissertation on Mein Kampf: Exactly the kind of preparation you need to join the ranks of the Harvard elite.
- Your parents' trust fund donated $3 million to the university: Add another million and you get tenure!
- You're an unqualified failure, but also a Democrat: You've got it where it counts.
- You're a humble janitor who likes to solve complex mathematical problems on the hallway chalkboard: The type of feel-good story someone should make a movie about.
- You anchored a CNN primetime show with very low ratings and are shaped like a potato: If Brian Stelter could do it, so can you!
- You believe "2+2=4" is up for debate: Only the most brilliant intellectuals can understand the nuances of Math.
- You believe in strength through diversity and also that there are too many Asians: Those are the wrong kind of diversity.
- You shout "Allahu Akbar" when you win a game of Mario Kart: Not a celebratory exclamation you hear every day, but when you do, you know something big happened.
- You pray to Obama: Harvard's own patron saint.
- You just studied abroad in Gaza where you shot homemade rockets at an Israeli birthday party: That's the real-world, blood-on-your-hands experience Harvard values in its professors.
What are you waiting for? Ditch your boring job and get yourself a teaching position at Harvard today.
NOT SATIRE: Wouldn't having a college professor who didn't hate you be nice?
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