MERIDIAN, MI — A new streaming service designed for the more conservative and legalistic members of the Churches of Christ was announced Wednesday that would use artificial intelligence to digitally remove musical instruments from popular movies and TV shows.
"I'm so relieved that I can finally watch The Sound of Music without explaining why a nun is seen playing a musical instrument," said Brenda Dirkson, a deacon's wife. "Now I just wish we could digitally remove all the Catholics."
At launch, Just In Case Media included a catalog of such beloved classics as Seven Brides for Seven Brothers as well as contemporary hits like Drumline, La La Land, and Smile 2.
"I loved the first Smile, but when I learned that Smile 2 would feature a character who is a famous pop singer, I became worried," said Clarence W. Fervor, an 87-year-old church member from Georgia. "But with Just In Case Media, I can finally watch the terrifying Smile Entity crawl inside another person and force them to kill themselves in front of people without the horrifying prospect of seeing or hearing any musical instruments. Praise the Lord!"
Though Churches of Christ are autonomous and their positions on instrumental music can vary, Just In Case Media CEO Brian Carson was hopeful that the new streaming service will attract a lot of membership as long as he can guilt enough people into being scared that they might be sinning if they watch the Von Trapp Family Singers sing "Do-Re-Mi" accompanied by a guitar, sometimes called a "Devil Fiddle."
At publishing time, Just In Case Media had also announced a partnership with HBO Max to bring The Last of Us to the platform, albeit without musical instruments. Scenes depicting sinful relationships, however, will remain.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
