GREENVILLE, DE — Following the recent announcement of Joe Biden's stage 4 prostate cancer diagnosis, sources reported that Biden family members had grown increasingly worried that they were running out of time to exploit the former president.
Sources close to Joe Biden said members of his immediate family were in "full panic mode" over the prospect that their days of using the former president's influence for their own selfish gain may be coming to an end. One family member was very blunt: "We've got to take full advantage of him — er, our time with him."
"I have all these paintings I need to sell and I'm not sure what I'll do with them once the 'Big Guy' kicks it," Hunter Biden reportedly told a friend. "I mean, I'm like, a totally good artist and don't need my dad to sell paintings, but for some reason, when I promise buyers special favors if they make a purchase, the value of my work always goes way up."
President Biden's wife, Jill, reportedly also commented to friends that she was unsure what she would do if her husband were no longer around to pull strings for her. "I guess I can always fall back on my Doctorate in Education," one witness overheard her saying. "I'm just like a real doctor! As long as no one needs any medical attention."
Other members of Joe Biden's inner circle expressed concern over the elderly leader's failing health and told those close to them that none of them have any real, marketable skills. "We've just sort of been floating along riding his wake for so many years, none of us bothered to build careers," an anonymous family member told the press.
At publishing time, Jill Biden announced that she had a new book in the works titled Please Give Me Money For This Book While You Still Remember Who I Am.
How could we have missed all these?
