Theology
New, Less Formal King Jim Bible Introduced

U.S.—A new Bible translation called The King Jim Bible has been released. Its goal is to take the very formal King James Bible and just relax it a bit.

The new Bible will take the stiff language from the King James Bible and replace it with cool, modern alternatives.

“Yeah, man, that thing is so intimidating with all its thees and thous,” said Bible translator Troy “Squishy” Luna. “And I think when people read the Bible, they want something a bit less starchy.”

In King Jim, the most common gendered word is “dude,” and a number of the more complex names have been changed. For example, “Nebuchadnezzar” is now “the Nebster” and “Methuselah” is “Ole Methy.” And a number of commandments in the Bible have been made less harsh by adding in a “maybe, if you feel like it,” which Squishy said was “implied.”

When asked whether there maybe being a “King Jim Only” movement, Squishy said he hoped not, as “people can do what they want.” And responding to charges that he messed with God’s word and could be condemning himself to eternal hellfire, Squishy said “that’s really harsh” and those people “need to take a chill pill.”

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