DALLAS, TX—The NBA has issued a statement regarding new rules for pre-game ceremonies. From now on, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be required to dress as America's first president, George Washington, and sing "Yankee Doodle" before the start of every Mavericks home game.
"Our ratings are slipping and we decided to do something to win back the red-blooded American patriots we have alienated over the years," said NBA Chief Communications Officer Mike Bass. "In addition to Mr. Cuban singing 'Yankee Doodle,' the entire team will also be required to recite all the U.S. Presidents before they can start playing."
"This is ridiculous, just humiliating," said Cuban in a statement. "I look terrible in a powdered wig. And what is a 'Yankee doodle' anyway?"
Cuban has vowed to fight the NBA's ruling.
According to sources, there is potential for compromise. Some Dallas Maverick officials have offered to allow the National Anthem to be played before games, as long as it's played to the tune of the Chinese National Anthem.
"We hope to have this resolved soon," they said.