WASHINGTON, D.C. - According to sources on Capitol Hill, Democrats were backpedaling just minutes into the unprecedented second impeachment trial of former President Trump, appearing to have played right into his hands again.
When Jamie Raskin (D-MD) whipped out his phone on live television to present "smoking gun" evidence the former president had incited rioting, a coup, martial law, a department of white supremacy, and destruction of all democracy, only two words escaped the shocked Democrat's lips: "Account...suspended?"
"Got 'em! Where's your evidence now, losers?" The former president was quoted as saying, while fist-bumping members of his fifth or sixth crack legal team. "They never saw it coming. They never do. Sad. Hand me my sand wedge."
According to sources, an infuriated Senator Schumer dialed Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey's personal number to demand to know how he had allowed them to fall for Trump's shrewd tactics again. However, Mr. Dorsey could not be reached; he was busy fielding phone calls from numerous other Democratic lawmakers wanting to know the same thing.
This political maneuver by former President Trump demonstrated the foresight that defined his objective dominance as President the past four years. Remarking on the devastating blow to the Democrats attempting to convict him, Mr. Trump said, "I'm quite prescient, perhaps the prescient-est, maybe ever."