U.S.—The nation's prosperity gospel preachers announced today they are enjoying their favorite holiday of the year: "Taking Tuesday," in which they get to cajole their followers into giving them even more of their money.
Prosperity theologians encouraged their followers to donate exorbitant amounts of cash to their ministries under the hashtag #TakingTuesday, calling the idea of enriching a few already ridiculously prosperous pastors a manifestation of the "true holiday spirit."
"In the midst of this season where it's so easy to get distracted by giving and generosity, it's nice to have a single day in which we charlatans can focus on stealing more money from people than ever before," Creflo Dollar said in a video posted to his ministry's Facebook page. "Now start sending me checks. That latest Gulfstream isn't gonna pay for itself, you know—and I'm certainly not going to work for the money."
Other prosperity preachers like Joel Osteen, Kenneth Copeland, Benny Hinn, and Paula White also sponsored the holiday, posting on their social media accounts that "the Christmas season isn't just for remembering Christ's birth—it's about increasing our net worth."
According to inside sources, the prosperity gospel preachers had originally heard today described as "Giving Tuesday," but they were literally unable to parse the phrase, causing them to launch this new alternative holiday.