WASHINGTON, D.C. - After being denied communion in her home city of San Francisco, House Speaker Pelosi has retaliated against the insult by introducing articles of impeachment against Pope Francis.
"Denying me the Eucharist is a high crime. It's not even the Pope's job to deny communion to anyone," said Pelosi to gathered reporters in Washington. "Who does he think he is? He's gone mad with power! It is, therefore, my solemn Constitutional duty to draft articles of impeachment to be sent to the Senate so Pope Francis can be tried for his crimes."
In the ensuing investigation, Congress found the Pope may have engaged in a quid pro quo, offering access to the Eucharist in exchange for not being a corrupt politician who advocates for the legal slaughter of millions of innocent babies. Political pundits are already calling on the Pope to step down if the charge is true.
"I do this with a very heavy heart, but it's the right thing to do," said Pelosi while fidgeting with her dentures. "Good morning, Sunday morning."
When pressed as to whether Congress actually has the authority to impeach a pope, Pelosi responded that "we have to impeach him first in order to find out whether we can do it."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
