CANAAN - In an absolutely humiliating mixup yesterday, Joseph son of Jacob confidently strolled around town in his rainbow-colored coat, as he had totally forgotten it was Pride Month.
"Hey man, you do know it's June now, right?" asked Reuben, his older brother. "Maybe put the coat away for a few weeks? I just don't think you realize the vibe you're giving."
"He's just jealous," said Joseph to himself. "I'm going to wear this coat day and night!"
According to sources, Joseph soon noticed he was getting some unusual reactions, with people walking up to him for no particular reason to tell him how brave he was. "I am pretty brave, I guess," Joseph thought. He was later offered a great discount at the barbershop without explanation. "Silas the barber has always been really friendly. Maybe if you're friends, you get some extra benefits!" Joseph thought.
Joseph finally began to suspect he was forgetting something after a bizarre conversation with Deborah, a young woman he had taken a keen interest in. She approached him with a serious look and asked "I just need to know, Joseph. Your coat - is that what love is to you?" Bewildered, Joseph replied, "Well of course! It's my most precious gift, from the man I care about most. If that's not love, I don't know what is!" To Joseph's great shock, Deborah buried her face in her hands and ran away crying.
At that moment, it finally dawned on Joseph what month it was. "Oooohh boy. Oh, what have I done? Stupid, stupid coat!" he muttered, tossing it aside.
Years later, facing jail time in Egypt over a woman's false accusation of sexual assault, Joseph regretted losing his coat. "Darn thing finally could have come in handy."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
