NEW YORK CITY, NY — In a groundbreaking series of new allegations, a woman has come forward to accuse Trump of inappropriately touching her with a set of classified documents while simultaneously praising Adolph Hitler.
"He came at me and groped my rear end while holding a fistful of classified documents in his other hand," alleged victim Marcia Webster told the press. "He was yelling something about wanting to annex Poland and how much he admired Hitler, it was terrible."
The New York Times ran the story without verifying details of the account, which purport to have taken place in the back of an old Blockbuster video store, even though the location of the Blockbuster closed three years before the alleged event.
"No, I'm absolutely sure it was there, in the back of the store, next to the copy of Titanic and Armageddon, both having come out in 1999, the year Trump assaulted me."
At publishing time, Webster had also accused Trump of placing a noose around her neck while yelling "This is MAGA country" before pouring red paint all over her, an incident she says happened in 2000 during the Salt Lake City Olympics.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
