WASHINGTON, D.C. — There was great rejoicing in the GOP yesterday as former Democrat Tulsi Gabbard finally realized that she's far too good-looking to be a Democrat.
Sources close to Gabbard say the realization was a long time in coming, but that she finally decided to switch sides after realizing that she didn't blend in at all.
"I'd felt very out of place for a while now," Gabbard said as she announced she was now a Republican. "Everyone around me was either a creepy perv like Walz or a mummy like Pelosi or some uggo like Kamala. And then half of the Dems were just trans and pretending to be the other gender, honestly. I'm just glad to be joining the party with all the lookers, you know? Finally settled that one. Second Amendment, can I get an amen?"
Attractiveness experts agreed that Gabbard no longer had a place among the "sea of androgynous bags" that make up the Democrat Party. "We're so glad she finally realizes how gorgeous she is," said attractiveness expert Bubbs Bronson from Fort Wayne, Indiana. "Easy on the eyes, that's for sure!"
Gabbard is currently ranked as 43rd best-looking member of the GOP, 21 spots below Thomas Massie, and far from attractive enough to displace someone at the top of the food chain like Ted Cruz. However, sources at Fox News say that she's more than attractive enough to get a spot at their outlet whenever she retires from politics.
At publishing time, Gabbard had been demoted another three spots on the GOP Attractiveness Index after conservative and ridiculously handsome political commentator Ben Shapiro had called out her abortion policies.
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