WASHINGTON, D.C. - At Biden's first press conference today, most of the questions were thoughtful and pointed, with reporters asking things like "Why are you so amazing?" and "We demand you tell us your secret to being so incredible!"

But one reporter went further than the others. The reporter, a new CNN recruit, Ronald Crump, jumped up and asked, "Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?"

"Hey, come on, Jack!" Biden replied. "That's just uncalled for."

"What's uncalled for is how much of a sad, pathetic, no-good failure you are!" Crump replied, twirling his mustache. 

"Come on up here, pal, and we'll have a good ol' round of fisticuffs to settle this once and for all!" Biden replied as Secret Service held him back. Finally, a shepherd's crook came from offstage and yoinked him out of there before a fight occurred.

"See? This guy can't even answer a simple question. Sad!" Crump replied.

At publishing time, Crump had calmly climbed up the stage and began answering questions for the next three hours, claiming it was "out of habit" from an old job he used to have.