PROVO, UT — A local member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints found himself experiencing an acute trial of faith recently. Following the controversy surrounding Bud Light's support of trans activist Dylan Mulvaney, he wished he drank beer so he could join in the boycott of Bud Light.
"This boycott of Bud Light is sure to destroy Anheuser-Busch," said Mahonri McConkie while staring longingly at the refrigerated section of his local gas station. "I just want to be a part of an effective, lasting campaign against woke corporations. Also what the heck is a lager?"
As a Latter-Day Saint, Mormon, or MOTCOJCOLDS, McConkie typically abstains from beer, but has never been more tempted to partake of the sinful beverage than at this moment, when so much is at stake.
"I feel like I'm not doing enough to fight the Satanic woke agenda that's leading us by the neck into darkness with a flaxen cord. Maybe if I just bought a different brand of beer and then never drank it, that would help? This is so difficult."
Just then, McConkie's Bishop entered the gas station to buy a large Diet Pepsi (no ice), forcing McConkie to dive behind the candy bar aisle before he was caught staring at pale ales, whatever those were.
The near-death experience reminded the Mormon that the physical and spiritual benefits of abstaining from alcohol, tobacco, coffee, and tea were well worth missing out on joining a cause as great as sticking it to Bud Light.
At publishing time, a recommitted Mahonri McConkie was seen leaving the gas station carrying a couple of 24-Oz Mega Monster Energy Drinks and a box of raspberry-filled donuts.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
