WILMINGTON, DE — In a stunning result that came much more quickly than observers expected, the 12-member jury in the Fox News-Dominion Software trial has voted in favor of Dominion by a count of 138,000 to 1.
"This was a complete reversal of the way things looked just last night," legal analyst Alan Dershowitz said when word of the ruling began to come out. "It seemed like the decision would end up being much closer, but at some indiscernible point, a massive number of jury members flocked to Dominion's side of the argument. A total landslide decision!"
The court reportedly had only recently decided to switch to a new electronic jury vote tabulation system, though this switch is said to have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the overwhelming decision in Dominion Software's favor. "Apples and oranges," said a courtroom insider with knowledge of the choice to use electronic jury voting. "The fact that we went with electronic vote counting and the lopsided result are entirely unrelated, and any speculation otherwise is just a ridiculously far-fetched, crackpot conspiracy theory. There's also nothing worth investigating regarding the fact that there are only 12 jury members, yet there were over 138,000 jury votes received. It's normal. Nothing weird about it. Move on, you crazy conspiracy theorists!"
At publishing time, Manhattan D.A. Alvin Bragg was rumored to already be reaching out to the Delaware court to find out more information about the electronic jury vote tabulation for potential use in an upcoming New York case.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
