NEW YORK, NY — Mike Lindell lashed out wildly with a sword, even cutting off the ear of a New York police officer after authorities arrived at Trump Tower to take the current sitting president of the United States into custody. Trump reportedly admonished Lindell and miraculously healed the officer's ear before willingly surrendering himself to District Attorney Alvin Bragg.
"Put your sword into your specially patented MyPillow Sheath," President Trump demanded. "Shall I not drink the cup which Stormy Daniels has given me?"
"It's a fantastic cup, believe me. Everyone says so."
Witnesses confirm that Lindell was surprised by Trump's actions, but stood by as the once and future president knelt beside the flailing officer and miraculously healed his ear.
"There, good as new!" Trump told Officer Sam Malchus. "Even better than new, if you can believe it. You probably have super sonic hearing now. All thanks to me, your favorite president!"
DA Bragg, who had accompanied officers on the arrest, was astonished by the sight but did not turn away from his mission. He accompanied Trump to the courthouse for questioning behind closed doors.
At publishing time, Mike Lindell had denied ever knowing Trump at least three times. "I tell you, I do not know the man!" he reportedly cursed.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
