WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to President Biden claim the elderly politician was initially nervous and worried upon hearing a president was going to be indicted for shady deals and suspect business transactions, but was "relieved" upon learning that it was just a possible misdemeanor allegedly committed by Trump years ago.
"Oh, the president who's being indicted for sleazy deals and financial crimes is - it's Trump? Well, that's a relief!" he told reporters. "Whew! I tell you what folks - say, is Jackie here? Where's Jackie? She said she was gonna be here."
"Well, anyway." He then stared off into space for a while. "Uh, I heard there was gonna be chocolate chip ice cream here. That's why I came. Where's Trump? I'll beat him in a push-up contest right now. When I'm president, he'll be in jail, I'm telling you the truth here. Honest to God, folks."
At publishing time, Hunter Biden had called his dad to make sure he was OK but was similarly relieved that the justice system was just going after Trump.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
