SAN DIEGO, CA — As a part of Major League Baseball's new push to both speed up the pace of games and make them more exciting for spectators, it was announced that pitchers who violate the new pitch clock will then be dropped into a pit of hungry alligators as punishment.
"This should really add an exciting new wrinkle to games," said Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred. "Every major league ballpark has been retrofitted to feature an alligator pit located directly underneath the pitcher's mound. If the pitch clock reaches all zeros, an MLB official positioned in the press box will pull a comedically large lever, opening up a trap door and sending the offending pitcher directly into the waiting jaws of the gators for the delight of the spectators. Exciting stuff!"
Longtime baseball fans expressed mixed feelings about all these changes being made to the game they love. "I get that a lot of casual fans think the game is slow, but this is ridiculous," said baseball fan Chris Wilson. "I mean, alligators? Really? You could lose a lot of really great players this way. There could be an all-star pitcher who absent-mindedly lets the clock run out, and BOOM — dead! How does that make the game better?"
At publishing time, MLB officials were undeterred by complaints from fans. "Look, we're all just wanting to improve the game," Commissioner Manfred said. "These first couple of years may see some death and dismemberment in the pitching ranks, but that may be the price that has to be paid to make a baseball game bearable to new generations of Americans with no attention span."
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.