SHANGHAI—This year, many churches participated in Samaritan Purse’s Operation Christmas Child, sending hundreds of thousands of Christmas gift boxes to children affected by war, poverty, natural disaster, famine, and disease.
But what many don’t realize is that delivering these shoeboxes to remote parts of the world is no joke.
The popular gift packages may be assembled in cozy churches across America, but they’re often delivered in countries so dangerous that normal couriers refuse service. But one man is willing to enter into any situation no matter how perilous: a man known only by the codename Hatchet, the most elite Operation Christmas Child Special Operative.
“This is some serious black ops-level stuff,” said Brian Mercer, a representative of OCC.
Hatchet was taken from his home and trained from childhood in the catacombs beneath Shanghai, learning ancient techniques of stealth and assassination from a secret sect of ninjutsu masters known as “Kami No Te” or “the Hand of God.” The seasoned warriors became a Christian outreach and assassination organization after a Jack Chick tract was discovered by their sensei Hong at one of his kill sites.
“Now we use our abilities for Christ,” said Hong in a top-secret interview.
Hatchet’s age and full name are unknown. Even his rumored confirmed kill count of 1,225 is a rough estimate, since most of his enemies are taken out in complete silence and secrecy, with those who stand between him and his shoebox deliveries rarely knowing what hit them.
According to volunteers working for Operation Christmas Child, it’s common for children in combat-heavy zones to wake up next to a pile of unconscious, incapacitated guards on one side of the room and a pile of Operation Christmas Child boxes on the other side of the room. “It’s almost become a holiday tradition,” said outreach volunteer Kimberly Evans. “If there are no bodies, it’s almost like having Christmas with no snow.”
In fact, Hatchet has become something of a legend as the Elite Black Ops Santa Claus of the third world. Songs like, “Hatchet the Shoebox-Bearing Assassin is Coming to Town” and “I Saw Mommy Kissing the Elite Operative with All the Shoeboxes,” have become staples of holiday music tradition in those areas where the ruthless killer brings the most Yuletide cheer, according to OCC representatives.
“If you’re a henchman of some third world dictator who’s trying to ruin Christmas for adorable children, you’d better watch your back because Hatchet, the Operation Christmas Child Operative is coming to lower himself silently from the rafters and take you down in order to bring some Christmas cheer for the little ones,” Mercer said.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.