WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unexpected turn of events, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has rocketed to the top of polls for the 2024 Democratic Party nomination for president after suffering what appeared to be a stroke in the middle of a press conference yesterday.
"We all know Democrat voters love impaired candidates," said pollster Frank Luntz. "Joe Biden, John Fetterman, and Diane Feinstein are all beloved among Democrat voters. It makes sense that they would flock toward Senator McConnell after his unexplained episode. With this latest health scare, he's the ideal Democratic candidate."
When asked, Democrat voters confirmed their sudden interest in McConnell. "I used to think he was the devil incarnate, just because he was a Republican," said registered Democrat Stephanie Dean. "Now, after seeing that press conference with him staring off glassy-eyed and clearly experiencing some significant physical malady, I can't fight my desire to elect him to an even higher office."
Democratic analysts are predicting a highly competitive primary season, despite the fact that Joe Biden is the incumbent president. "President Biden is certainly still the standard bearer for physically and mentally compromised candidates," said Luntz. "But with these other politicians showing severe signs of decline, it could be anyone's game!"
At publishing time, rumors had begun to swirl that dead bodies of previous Democrat leaders would enter the primary race, with Franklin D. Roosevelt's corpse expecting to draw significant support from liberal voters.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
