Ladies, we know you want us. Who wouldn't? Every woman wants a guy who spends all his time talking about Tolkien and Star Wars and playing Zelda, but how can you attract one? It's an age-old question, but thankfully, there are very simple answers.
Come along as The Babylon Bee presents a crash course on the timeless art of beauty and seduction.
- Be a woman: We can't stress this one enough.
- Bacon-scented body lotion: Making yourself smell like a slab of fried pig meat will make you irresistible to any real man.
- Do your hair like Princess Leia: This works best when paired with the slave outfit from Jabba the Hutt's palace.
- Get Botox and lip fillers: Just kidding — that's the worst idea ever.
- Shave your real eyebrows off and paint fake ones on instead: We don't know why, but people do it.
- Swap out your shampoo with BBQ sauce: Your hair might be a little sticky, but it'll do the trick. Trust us.
- Part your hair on the side — NO WAIT, everyone's doing a middle part now — NO WAIT, no part at all, with bangs. NO WAIT — NO BANGS! AAAHHHHHHH!: Just put it in a ponytail. It's probably fine.
- Use an entire suitcase full of makeup every day, but make it look like you're not wearing any: Celebrities do it, so it must be pretty easy.
- Bathe: A revolutionary new study shows men are more likely to spend time with a woman who is clean.
That's it! If you follow those simple, easy steps, you'll have a guy in your life explaining the plot of Dune and asking you to make him sandwiches in no time!
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.