Ladies, we know you want us. Who wouldn't? Every woman wants a guy who spends all his time talking about Tolkien and Star Wars and playing Zelda, but how can you attract one? It's an age-old question, but thankfully, there are very simple answers.
Come along as The Babylon Bee presents a crash course on the timeless art of beauty and seduction.
- Be a woman: We can't stress this one enough.
- Bacon-scented body lotion: Making yourself smell like a slab of fried pig meat will make you irresistible to any real man.
- Do your hair like Princess Leia: This works best when paired with the slave outfit from Jabba the Hutt's palace.
- Get Botox and lip fillers: Just kidding — that's the worst idea ever.
- Shave your real eyebrows off and paint fake ones on instead: We don't know why, but people do it.
- Swap out your shampoo with BBQ sauce: Your hair might be a little sticky, but it'll do the trick. Trust us.
- Part your hair on the side — NO WAIT, everyone's doing a middle part now — NO WAIT, no part at all, with bangs. NO WAIT — NO BANGS! AAAHHHHHHH!: Just put it in a ponytail. It's probably fine.
- Use an entire suitcase full of makeup every day, but make it look like you're not wearing any: Celebrities do it, so it must be pretty easy.
- Bathe: A revolutionary new study shows men are more likely to spend time with a woman who is clean.
That's it! If you follow those simple, easy steps, you'll have a guy in your life explaining the plot of Dune and asking you to make him sandwiches in no time!
NOT SATIRE: Are you (or your spouse) spending your hard-earned cash on woke beauty brands? Thankfully, there's a better way!
Henné Organics is a family-owned luxury beauty brand that combines highly effective and clean ingredients with exquisite design. From formulation to branding to production to packing, every Henné product is handcrafted with the utmost care and attention in-house by our small but mighty team in Wilmington, North Carolina. Henné Organics is also both USDA-certified organic and Leaping Bunny-certified cruelty-free.
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