WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who both is black and gay, declared she will no longer be answering questions from reporters during the press briefing. She cited the importance of protecting private family matters, which she claimed the Biden presidency technically qualified as.
"I'm just not going to speak to any private conversation that the President has with his family, especially as it pertains to possible felonies or acts of light treason," Jean-Pierre clarified. "It just wouldn't be appropriate."
"Because they're a family."
Members of the media who attempted to limit their questions to matters of policy were also shut down.
"So look, the President is a man. And that man has a family. Therefore, the entire Biden presidency is a family matter. I won't comment on private family matters," Jean-Pierre said.
The historic press secretary went on to illustrate her point by comparing the Biden presidency to popular episodes of the hit ABC sitcom Family Matters. "In season 5, episode 7, Steve Urkel teams up with NBA star Larry Johnson, who is dressed in drag as a character called 'Grandmama.' Together, they defeat Eddie Winslow in a game of streetball. Now ask yourself, if Eddie Winslow was your son — a son who got shamed by a total nerd like Urkel — would you want to discuss that information in public?"
"Of course not. Because it's a family matter."
Though some members of the media pushed back against Jean-Pierre's reasoning, they came around when she asked them to imagine what it would be like if they were asking themselves the same questions they hurled at the Biden presidency every day.
"I mean, I guess I wouldn't like it if people asked why I was a pedophile," CNN journalist Jeremy Diamond confessed. "That wouldn't feel good at all."
Fox News reporter Peter Doocy, however, was not finished. "Okay, but what about Ukraine?" he asked. "Surely, that's not a family matter."
Jean-Pierre replied sternly. "You really haven't been paying attention, have you?"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
