WASHINGTON. D.C. — An incredulous Alexander Mayorkas expressed shock at the House of Representatives recommending a vote on his impeachment, as he is unclear how a person doing absolutely nothing can be impeached.
"It makes no sense," said Mayorkas, Secretary of Homeland Security. "I've done nothing that could possibly warrant impeachment. I have done literally nothing at all. How can that be a crime?"
Lawyers for Mayorkas have begun assembling briefs arguing that impeachment proceedings cannot even be brought against someone who doesn't do anything. "The man just sits there, twiddling his thumbs. What on earth can you charge him with?" said government lawyer Regina Halpert. "You can't mess up on a job you're not even doing. It's as simple as that."
According to sources within the Department of Homeland Security, Secretary Mayorkas spends most of his time at the office staring silently at the floor, making no perceptible movement. "No one is as committed as Secretary Mayorkas to doing nothing," said Chief of Staff Jonathan Davidson. "The most I've ever seen him do is turn on the television in his office to watch Beverly Hillbillies reruns. The Republicans have nothing."
At publishing time, Mayorkas had announced he would visit the border before laughing heartily and yelling, "Sike!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
