In the year 2024, knowing which statues you can tear down is more confusing then ever! Will you be hailed as a hero of progress for fighting valiantly against colonization, or vilified and brought up on criminal charges for vandalizing a sacred monument?
Thankfully, The Babylon Bee has done your homework for you and put together the following guide to which statues you can — or can't — tear down:
- Yes: Thomas Jefferson, known bigot and slave owner
- No: Satan, brave and inclusive hero
- Yes: George Washington, father of racist country
- No: George Floyd, father of Black Lives Matter
- Yes: Andrew Jackson, white-skinned man who hosted dinner served by slaves
- No: Michael Jackson, white-skinned man who hosted fun sleepovers with kids
- Yes: Abraham Lincoln, war-mongering Republican president
- No: Xi Jinping, honorable Chinese president
- Yes: Robert E. Lee, model of Confederacy
- No: Male models in fountain at The Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Want To Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too
- Yes: Marines hoisting flag on Iwo Jima, symbol of male toxicity
- No: Drag queens hoisting Pride flag, symbol of males being stunning and fabulous
- Yes: Confederate solider, who killed his own countrymen
- No: Antifa soldier, who killed his own countrymen
- Yes: Jesus, leader of evil and intolerant Christians
- No: Jesus holding a rainbow flag, leader of good and tolerant faux-Christians
By following the list above, you can eliminate all the guesswork the next time you're looking for a statue to destroy.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
