DES MOINES, IA — Polk County prosecutors have formally charged God with a hate crime and third-degree criminal mischief for casting Satan, that serpent of old, into the lake of fire.
"Other than leading angels in rebellion against God and working to twist all that is good into evil, Satan has never done anything to deserve being attacked in such a vicious manner," said Polk County prosecutor Mitchell Radcliffe. "Plus, look at this nice statue - Satan is just a poor red man with horns and goat legs. He's the minority of minorities. Iowa will simply not abide the Most Holy God doling out judgment like that."
Prosecutors argue that the Lord of Creation was in the wrong for casting Satan out of Heaven because it was "mean" and a "violation of religious freedom". The Son and Holy Spirit have so far not been charged. According to court records, God is required to appear before a judge on March 3 or face a hefty fine of $1,500.
"No one is above the law," said Radcliffe. "Here in Iowa, religious rights take precedence over any sort of 'God'."
A spokesperson for the Most High God reported that He would graciously not appear in court so as not to destroy the entire courthouse and everyone inside.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
