WITTENBERG — Congregants of the church in Wittenberg have expressed frustration that Martin Luther nailed his list of ninety-five theses to the door in lieu of using the church's suggestion box.
"Was that really necessary?" asked clearly irritated parishioner Otto Wolfgang. "I get Luther has some beef with the Pope, but that's exactly why we have a suggestion box. Such a drama queen."
Director of facilities Alfred Feigenbaum initially found the theses on the door, and immediately demanded Martin Luther come fix the nail holes. "Just, why?" asked Mr. Feigenbaum, surveying the damage. "Why come hammer your grievances into a door when the suggestion box is literally ten steps away? I carved that box exclusively for Luther to have some outlet for all his whining! Have a little decency, man."
For his part, Luther did apologize to Mr. Feigenbaum and agreed to fix the door. "I just got caught up in the moment," said Mr. Luther. "I don't know what came over me. I honestly thought no one ever read the suggestions I put in the box, and this just felt so important. My bad, guys."
At publishing time, the local priest admitted he had been burning all of Luther's previous suggestions to keep his house warm.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
